How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
