I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
we made out on top of his cat.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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