I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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