I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
