i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
