Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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