I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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