Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
