what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
