i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
