I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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