I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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