I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
