So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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