is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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