Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
