So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
