Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize