ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
