I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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