Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
