So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
