you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
