maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
