Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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