I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
