Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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