I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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