this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
