one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
