Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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