Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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