i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
