I saw his package. It spoke to me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
