I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
