so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
