"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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