i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
