I can text with my tongue
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
