My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
