i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize