I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
