so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
