I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I will pee on everything he values.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
