she looked like the before picture.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
