you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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