I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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