I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
