So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
