I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
