Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
