I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
