Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
