I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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