he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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