Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
