I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
