you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
