So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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