Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
