you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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